On Cheese (of the Rancid Variety) - Part 1

Last week I had the happy pleasure to come into the digital possession of an mp3 file of Cher's extremely popular but not especially macho single, Believe. And I listened to it about forty times in a row the first day I had it [1].

At work.

At a reasonably significant volume.

While I was wearing a pink shirt.

All of which prompted one of my colleagues to email our CEO and CFO to alert them to the possibility that I was in need of abrupt clinical intervention and also inquire as to whether they had any data to support the notion that I had experienced a dramatic modification in preferences. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Never one to pass up an opportunity to amuse myself, I promptly authorized my source to provide me as many other songs which would've enjoyed a secure spot on the playlist of SNL's Ambiguously Gay Duo as he could find. He complied. And I have enjoyed myself immensely sampling these doozies in an "accidentally" public way. But that's not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about a totally unanticipated side benefit of these songs.

The lyrics.

There were some WILDLY CHEESY lyrics in these 1980s love songs. I had no idea. The cheese factor is off the charts. It's out of this world. It's beyond your wildest imagination.

Seriously.

Here are two of my favorites.

First, from Air Supply's fantastically and spectacularly glorious and delightfully and ridiculously formaggioly "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" there is the following mind-numbingly stunningly cheesy phrase in the lyrics:

• The beating of my heart is a drum
  and it's lost, and it's looking
  for a rhythm like you.

* * *

Now that is gorgeous. That is one hundred percent Grade AA fabulous Gorgonzola Dolce.

I think that line has got to be competitive for cheesiest line in the history of popular music.

I am not making this up. (credit - Dave Barry)

Which brings me to the second contender (for today). Bonnie Tyler. Her hit "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Includes the following formidable classic lyric:

• I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark;
  We're living in a powderkeg and giving off sparks.

Holy Toledo, Batman! That's pure limburger. Stinking it up.

* * *

So good enough. That was fun. Now, for the participatory part of the entry, please submit your contenders. I hope to enjoy many cringing readers' submissions of similarly rancid cheese.

Bring it on.



[1]
For your arithmetic junkies, that means I listened to that song for about two and a half consecutive hours (the song is 3:45 minutes long; 3:45 times 40 is 150 minutes).

Photo Credits: here and here.