THIS BLOG IS MY BLOG. THIS BLOG IS MY BLOG. Welcome to the Home of Hyperopia.: On Cheese (of the Rancid Variety) - Part 1

Monday, July 10, 2006

On Cheese (of the Rancid Variety) - Part 1

Last week I had the happy pleasure to come into the digital possession of an mp3 file of Cher's extremely popular but not especially macho single, Believe. And I listened to it about forty times in a row the first day I had it [1].

At work.

At a reasonably significant volume.

While I was wearing a pink shirt.

All of which prompted one of my colleagues to email our CEO and CFO to alert them to the possibility that I was in need of abrupt clinical intervention and also inquire as to whether they had any data to support the notion that I had experienced a dramatic modification in preferences. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Never one to pass up an opportunity to amuse myself, I promptly authorized my source to provide me as many other songs which would've enjoyed a secure spot on the playlist of SNL's Ambiguously Gay Duo as he could find. He complied. And I have enjoyed myself immensely sampling these doozies in an "accidentally" public way. But that's not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about a totally unanticipated side benefit of these songs.
The lyrics.

There were some WILDLY CHEESY lyrics in these 1980s love songs. I had no idea. The cheese factor is off the charts. It's out of this world. It's beyond your wildest imagination.


Here are two of my favorites.

First, from Air Supply's fantastically and spectacularly glorious and delightfully and ridiculously formaggioly "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" there is the following mind-numbingly stunningly cheesy phrase in the lyrics:
  • The beating of my heart is a drum
    and it's lost, and it's looking
    for a rhythm like you.

* * *

Now that is gorgeous. That is one hundred percent Grade AA fabulous Gorgonzola Dolce.

I think that line has got to be competitive for cheesiest line in the history of popular music.

I am not making this up. (credit - Dave Barry)

Which brings me to the second contender (for today). Bonnie Tyler. Her hit "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Includes the following formidable classic lyric:

  • I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark;
    We're living in a powderkeg and giving off sparks.

Holy Toledo, Batman! That's pure limburger. Stinking it up.

* * *

So good enough. That was fun. Now, for the participatory part of the entry, please submit your contenders. I hope to enjoy many cringing readers' submissions of similarly rancid cheese.

Bring it on.

For your arithmetic junkies, that means I listened to that song for about two and a half consecutive hours (the song is 3:45 minutes long; 3:45 times 40 is 150 minutes).

Photo Credits: here and here.


Blogger PDD said...

First I love "Total Eclipse of the Heart", but for some reason I really don't remember that part of the song. Yes, cheese indeed.

Hmmm.. Cheesy lyrics for songs... I know there's tons. I remember all the attempts to be planted. I remember, I kid you not. Hmmm... Oh, there's Michael Bolton of course, and... and... oh yeah Yanni. Yes, Ahhhh, there's Yanni.

1:09 AM, July 10, 2006  
Blogger The Velvet Fog said...

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

My bad, It is Bonnie Tyler.

9:47 AM, July 10, 2006  
Blogger garrett said...

Isn't "tossing and turning" inconsistent or incompatible or something like that from "dreaming"?


2:37 PM, July 10, 2006  
Blogger The Velvet Fog said...


2:42 PM, July 10, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not really cheesy, but lyrics from the 80s nonetheless that Ive always liked for the obvious error (well, evidentally it was not all that obvious to some prior to recording) in its reference to the number of Beatles members ...

From Run DMC´s King of Rock: "Every jam we play, we break two needles. There's three of us but we're not the Beatles."

6:06 PM, July 10, 2006  
Blogger PDD said...

He just doesn't quit

9:34 PM, July 10, 2006  
Blogger The Velvet Fog said...

Those two Air Supply guys are SCARY looking.

11:31 AM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger PDD said...

This is too much

1:11 PM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger The Velvet Fog said...

Bu de bu ai is pretty much solid

1:55 PM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 said...

As a preface, I happen to be a big fan of Styx...but I have to admit, this is cheese:

A gathering of angels appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said
They said come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

7:19 PM, July 12, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 said...

Upon further reflection, you wanted cheesy songs that would flaunt your propensity for homosexuality...therefore, I offer this:

Feelings, nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my feelings of love
Teardrops rolling down on my face
Trying to forget my feelings of love

Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it
I wish I've never met you, girl
You'll never come again
Feeling, woo-o-o feeling
Woo-o-o, feel you again in my arms

Feelings, feelings like I've never lost you
And feelings like I'll never have you again in my heart

Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it
I wish I've never met you, girl; you'll never come again

Feelings, feelings like I've never lost you
And feelings like I'll never have you again in my life

Feelings, woo-o-o feeling it,
woo-o-o, feeling again in my arms

7:28 PM, July 12, 2006  
Blogger PDD said...

Feelings, feelings, I feel I may have ovarian cancer when ever you apply too much presure up there.

Up there, up there, feeling good up there. Feelings.

7:40 PM, July 12, 2006  
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